Monday, 31 May 2010

The lion, the witch and the bog

My toilet is Narnia. one day the seat is fine, the next it's up and porcelain incidents occur and then horror of horrors you go there in the dark because bursting too much for a wee to care about turning the light on/don't want to disturb the sleeping kids with the click of the pully thing.....

I peed on the bog lid! because the fucking lid was down instead of up.

Maybe not Narnia, more 'nana for not looking/feeling. but one was desperate and when is so they just whip down the leggings/up the skirt, down with the cacks and let flow. especially after you have given birth to 2 kids and your bits ain't what they used to be and can't hold it as good as you were able when you were 19.

I have a theory that our visitor who does the dance of the bog is perhaps winding me up. perhaps next time ill go to sit down in the dark and end up with my arse implanted through the kitchen ceiling because the bog has been removed.

As an aside, where have all the amusing status updates gone? Do I scare you all and thus you keep safe and away from amusing me for fear of appearing in the blog?

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

All change at No. 10

We have a new PM now in the UK. WHOOPIE. They all lie in my opinion so we will just have to wait and see if the UK can be turned around. In the meantime have some insight into how we actually feel about this. God love Facebook for allowing us to have the opportunity to share our further comment needed....[newest first]

...face like a haunted shithouse....

So unless you have been stuck down a hole with an owl, Gordon Brown [texture like sun] has resigned as PM of the UK. I don't feel it's entirely his fault that the country is in the state it is in, I blame Blair the hand wringing twat. Seems I am not alone...

And then when Gordon left Buck House after giving Liz his resignation he lost his police protection outriders as he drove/was driven away to Labour Party HQ. Wonder if he now has to pay the Congestion Charge?

Monday, 10 May 2010

Revenge of the household goods.....

I swear various household goods are plotting against me. The bin for instance, and his predecessors, is a bastard. Tis not an old bin and neither were his predecessors, but it's a complete bastard. And broken. For no reason. As did his predecessors. I wouldn't mind if we had got them from 'Ourbins'R'Shoite', but when you spend a fair amount of money on a kitchen bin you expect it to be able to withstand normal kitchen waste and not shriek and fall to pieces at the first sign of a foil wrapper from an Aunt Bessies mini toad in the hole.

A naughty word but true. It 'bit' me. OK so maybe I might have put a bit too much oil in the pan but the vicious fucker burnt me and it hurt. And one of the knobs has fallen off.

Maybe I have been bad towards appliances and the like in a previous life? I'll admit I aint much of a fan of cleaning them properly, but I have used them wisely. I mean, i've never tried to make porridge in the washing machine or toast in the kettle. Which are both arsehole appliances incase you were wondering....

The most recent incident that caused major trauma was the drawer on my bed slamming shut on my leg in an attempt to break my ankle. Call me paranoid but I am getting very very wary of household goods these days...

Sunday, 9 May 2010

See how many teeth you'll have when you're 60 by taking this simple quiz...

Let me start by saying that I am guilty of a lot of Farmville notifications, though I do try and keep them to a minimum. I mean, no one could surely be interested if you just plowed a field and planted some peas. If my 'neighbours' are interested they will go to my farm and do the croppage thing. Sometimes when i'm drunk I post music videos from Youtube and I might partake in the very rare 'do this to see when your right ear will fall off' things...

There is a block facility, but for every one you block you get bombarded with 3 more totally inane 'I have this sweaty old sock I found down the back of the sofa to share with you' notifications and quizzes that are for fun but annoying as fuck. Here are some for us all to enjoy....

now before anyone starts, yes it's nice that someone has thought of me and sent me a 'friendly flower' but it isn't real and I doubt that in real life they would be so generous. If I want flowers i'll go and get some from the local cemetary, they always seem to have a nice selection and free of charge.

one behind the other there. One from 'friendly smiles' and the other from 'friendly hugs'. I don't do shit like that. I like to scowl at people, shout abuse at them and chase them down the road trying to get them to understand that the voices in my head make me want to harm them. I call that a 'friendly episode'

now this one and the other similar varieties are doing my fucking head in today. IT IS NOT MOTHERS DAY IN THE UK TODAY. But this wont stop numerous Facebook friends sending happy mothers day crap to one and other. Also in my book it is spelt MUM not mom.

'Which decade fits your personality best?'. Erm....has there been a decade when being an insane nut job was all the rage? Thought not unless you count Hitler's reign of terror and I don't really want to be put in the same bracket as him, or classed as a Timmy Mallet 80's personality because he was ker-razy. No he wasn't, he was a t-wat. I'm not really a nut job, a bit mad yes but not totally cuckoo. Yet.

So by now you probably have some idea what I am on about if you don't already receive these inane annoyances yourself. Who makes these things? Why has no one made one called 'send your mate a lump of virtual dog shit' or one that tells your friend that 'you give their partner 8 out of ten in the sack'?

One of these quizzes once told me that I was haunted by the spirit of a little boy who stands at the end of my bed. Ooooh scary! The only thing at the foot of my bed at night is my dog snoring his head off.

Friday, 7 May 2010

Erection special....

I do apologise, I meant election... so let's just go with it and in a backward kind of way...

I am highly amused by this because I am easily amused by the word 'election' that sounds very much like 'erection' and of course hung parliaments and well hung etc., etc. childish I know but fun none-the-less.

is this a statement or a comment about being constipated and fed up with the brown lodger? touching cloth never has been much fun if it just refuses to budge. a hung parliament? maybe we should refer to it as a 'touching cloth moment in politics', Brown has to leave but sits lodged in an uncomfortable way. time to bring in the Senna Party...

and thats basically it. a load of cobblers and shit, what was the fucking point in voting? I don't quite get it, probably because i'm a bit thick but surely the Tories are the clear winners despite not getting all their seats, so surely seats shouldn't fucking matter. the people have spoken so give us what we wanted. 'no party has won a majority', well I would say 306 seats over 258 seats [forget the Lib Dems and others] is a majority but then maybe the rule makers went to a different school of thinking to me.

and I am very suprised that Sky News haven't blamed terrorists for the lack of result.....

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

'are you dead?, yes we can fit you in'...

and you are suprised because? in Mitcham and the surrounding areas live tribes of scum among us normal law obiding residents. nicking the copper pipes, bath, trashing the kitchen etc., all just a normal day for the kind of scum who give the rest of us council tenants a bad name. when we moved into our house the garden was like the fucking rain forest it was that overgrown. obviously the previous tenant didn't give two shits about the garden. when we managed to get it cut down to ground level we discovered a family of Poles living in a hut at the bottom of the garden that was made of brambles.

and you are suprised because? actually it is fucking annoying but unfortunately that is how it is these days. my surgery recently changed their phone system. 'if you would like to speak to the pharmacy please hang up and dial 02081234567, if you would like to speak to...please hang up and dial using....' etc., the option to speak to a receptionist is choice 4 which then tells you numerous occassions that you are being transferred, then you are in a queue but you call is important to them so please hold. at least I supose you don't have to call a different number. why can't they reverse the choice? by the time you've listened to the options and phone numbers for those options and then pressed 4 and waited in a queue to speak to some miserable cunt who has no medical training but still wants to ask your symptoms, your leg had turned green, fallen off and the dog is chewing it in the corner. and the simple boil that you originally had that was a bit infected has now made you a member of the Heather Mills club.

the only time you can ever get an appointment is when you are dead. 'could you come in 3.30 today?'....'erm no, i cant walk because i'm a bit stiff and i smell. a lot'

Star Wars Day

I'm not even gonna post a photo as there are numerous status' to choose from, all saying 'may the 4th be with you'/'happy star wars day'. oh the comedic effect it has on me. PING. hear that? that was one of my ribs. PING. ooops, there goes another. someone call me an ambulance.

Monday, 3 May 2010

It is shit

indeed it is shit. after chuckling at my drunken rambling from last night I discover the irritant is Usher and the shit is titled OMG. OMG indeed at how irritating it is. and yes, it is shit.

when I requested this cactus for Farmville it dawned on me how much it resembled a Rampant Rabbit. now I dont own one of those but we all know what they look like. imagine a prickly version. what sort of person would enjoy that? would there be a market in 'ripper rabbits', 'spiny hares', 'barbwire bunnies'? if there's a market in men who like to dress as babies and get bitty off equally odd women then there has to be some kind of oddball wandering the planet looking for a prick-le....

I love this. if I was a dog after postmen and burglars I think a politician would be next on my list of things to bite. sod bones and pigs ears, a yummy chunk of lying fucker would go down a treat.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Do you sell curtains?

clever dog you have there. all mine is useful for is barking incessantly at my mum, having a pop at other dogs, smelling, shitting and drooling in my slippers when i'm sleeping. dirty get.

chuck? My mind boggles....I take it you mean a chicken as in chook but chuck is vomit. nom nom nom vomit spuds anyone? roast vom and mashed tatties? will there be carrots?

ahh yes, the classic customer. we had one when i worked in a well known cheap crap food store who kicked up a fuss because the blender she brought didn't include the fruit depicted on the box. another used to swap the small eggs for the large eggs so as to get out of paying the extra 11p. my favourite customers are the ones who ask 'do you work here?' I just like wearing a company badge bearing my name/I get a kick out of wearing this uniform.

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Tits on the radio

it's very true. didn't have enough characters though to include Tim Westwood, David 'Kid' Jensen and the entire Capital Radio and Kiss DJ list. Especially that bloke [Steve I think] who used to do the breakfast show on Kiss. He was a tit, an effing rude one at that.

can't say i've had the pear dream but I once dreamt about being chased by a giant banana that was throwing raspberries at me. I was ok though as I was wearing my tin foil hat.

fartage. men and fartage. to me a dutch oven is something the cafes over there dry their grass in before sale. not saying I don't fart, believe me I do and I may have mentioned it before on Facebook when I was pissed but....oh hang on, I think I might actually belong to a group on there about fart smelling...erm....nothing to see here please move along....

...probably. If my dog came in my house with a shitload of plants I wouldn't pat it, say good boy and feed the bugger. I would hoof it up the arse and then attempt to replant my pretty flowers. Whilst popping the dogshit in a bag.

sometime I get a bit angry or need to vent and where better than on Farmville with use of my crops. or my hay bales [they read TWAT].

Sometimes I amaze myself...

by talking complete and utter shit on Facebook and not until the next daywhen i've sobered up do I read back and think 'oh my god. hide your face in shame woman!' and some days, like todays, i wet myself laughing at the nonsense I spouted and thus this blog is born. Not just for my mutterings but the mutterings of others.

So to start things off [i'm not ashamed to admit who I am so i'm not anonymous]

as you can tell I was rather shitfaced when I wrote that. Sometimes though I say things that amuse me when i'm not shitfaced like...

so, that's what this blog is all about and i hope to update it regularly. I'm off to trawl Facebook now and see what little gems I can find.....

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