Carling is a terrorist

So, as a 'well done' for all our hard work over the past year I went out Friday night to the 'celebration night' [which we had to pay for], it was also my colleague's last day at work so a farewell drink for her. miss you kelly!

can't tell you a lot about the evening because it's mostly a drunken haze. I remember being a lazy arse and getting a colleague to go to the bar for me, built a few bridges, smoked far too many of the boss's fags, danced in my chair and held the cab driver up for about 10 mins as i couldn't find my keys. [they were on my lap already].

My other half was obviouslly impressed with me when I got home...



indeed in had to go straight to bed. pissed wasn't the word. I was only drinking Carling as well [which is complete gnats piss] but @ £2 a pint and being like water I drank it in ambundance.

Took my contact lenses out and chucked them on the table instead of in their pot. Went to bed and passed out. Next morning, nursing a head that felt like it contained a thousand men in clogs running down a cobbled street, I discover I had attempted a facebook status....



I still have absolutely no idea what the fuck I was trying to say. Any guesses?

Still, it was a good night and I was aparently on top form...



Carling is a Terrorist....

Facebook spying on me?

No sooner do I post previous and all my notification problems seem to be solved.

Git.

Makes me look like a twat.

facebook is a terrorist

A rant if I may...

Thank you Facebook for informing me via notifications that people have replied to my posts or to posts I have either replied to or liked. Please, however, fuck off. A while back one could view what notifications they wanted to and ignore others and be left in peace. Now you wont allow this, I must click on and view every sodding notification and even then you don't cease to tell me I have 3 notifications [or however many]. Also, if I view a notification i can't read the fuckin status because the notification list stays open and then when I have finished obeying you commands they still don't fuck off unless I close my browser and reopen it.

Tosser.

And Farmville can fuck off withering my crops before they were out of date. And being slow and generally cocked up.

I have come to think you are a terrorist alongside my washing machine and fridge. Not to mention my Dyson [my yellow, not my purple] that started smoking like a 60 a day smoker, coughed and spluttered like a pensioner with emphysema because it couldnt cope with a little mess in the kids room a while back. You are a vaccum claner FFS, it's what you are made to do.

Yes I had 2 Dyson's because I am greedy and saves lugging one up the stairs.

The lion, the witch and the bog

My toilet is Narnia. one day the seat is fine, the next it's up and porcelain incidents occur and then horror of horrors you go there in the dark because bursting too much for a wee to care about turning the light on/don't want to disturb the sleeping kids with the click of the pully thing.....

I peed on the bog lid! because the fucking lid was down instead of up.

Maybe not Narnia, more 'nana for not looking/feeling. but one was desperate and when is so they just whip down the leggings/up the skirt, down with the cacks and let flow. especially after you have given birth to 2 kids and your bits ain't what they used to be and can't hold it as good as you were able when you were 19.



I have a theory that our visitor who does the dance of the bog is perhaps winding me up. perhaps next time ill go to sit down in the dark and end up with my arse implanted through the kitchen ceiling because the bog has been removed.

As an aside, where have all the amusing status updates gone? Do I scare you all and thus you keep safe and away from amusing me for fear of appearing in the blog?

All change at No. 10

We have a new PM now in the UK. WHOOPIE. They all lie in my opinion so we will just have to wait and see if the UK can be turned around. In the meantime have some insight into how we actually feel about this. God love Facebook for allowing us to have the opportunity to share our views....no further comment needed....[newest first]

...face like a haunted shithouse....

So unless you have been stuck down a hole with an owl, Gordon Brown [texture like sun] has resigned as PM of the UK. I don't feel it's entirely his fault that the country is in the state it is in, I blame Blair the hand wringing twat. Seems I am not alone...




And then when Gordon left Buck House after giving Liz his resignation he lost his police protection outriders as he drove/was driven away to Labour Party HQ. Wonder if he now has to pay the Congestion Charge?

Revenge of the household goods.....

I swear various household goods are plotting against me. The bin for instance, and his predecessors, is a bastard. Tis not an old bin and neither were his predecessors, but it's a complete bastard. And broken. For no reason. As did his predecessors. I wouldn't mind if we had got them from 'Ourbins'R'Shoite', but when you spend a fair amount of money on a kitchen bin you expect it to be able to withstand normal kitchen waste and not shriek and fall to pieces at the first sign of a foil wrapper from an Aunt Bessies mini toad in the hole.




A naughty word but true. It 'bit' me. OK so maybe I might have put a bit too much oil in the pan but the vicious fucker burnt me and it hurt. And one of the knobs has fallen off.

Maybe I have been bad towards appliances and the like in a previous life? I'll admit I aint much of a fan of cleaning them properly, but I have used them wisely. I mean, i've never tried to make porridge in the washing machine or toast in the kettle. Which are both arsehole appliances incase you were wondering....

The most recent incident that caused major trauma was the drawer on my bed slamming shut on my leg in an attempt to break my ankle. Call me paranoid but I am getting very very wary of household goods these days...