...

My washing machine was a terrorist afterall. Stopped working. Flooded the kitchen. Made horrid noises & smoked. Also, just to update you, my dyson is also a fucking terrorist. Just ask Michael Barrymore & Paul Daniels.

Totally forgot I had this blog. 2 years down the line. Where am I at? Still the sorry mess I was 2 years ago. However this is all about to change. Let me talk to you about alcohol... Alcohol how I've loved you. Made me behave outrageous, say things I regret, say things that make no sense, made me wet myself laughing, made me pass out. Made me piss off cab drivers, made me make an absolute tit of myself, made me happy & sad. Basically made me do lots of things of which some I am not proud. But it's been a friend. A crutch. Something I could depend on. Seen me through good and bad times. Caused great happiness & deep sorrow & grief. But it's stuck with me through thick & thin. Controlling me. And the control has been immense. But things have to change. And a's of next Tuesday they will. I start detox. A home detox to ween me off alcohol for good. The time has come. I need to look after myself & think of the kids. I need to rid myself of the illness this has become. I need to rediscover the old me. I'll probably be the same grumpy old cunt a's I've always been but this needs to be done & done it will be. Don't get me wrong, I've had some great times on alcohol. Rolling round in Rose bushes, vomiting on the doorstep of a building in Kingston, making a cab driver pull over so I could vomit in a bush. Leaving a black sack full of left over food in a cabbies car & getting him to drop it outside my aunties house. You name it I probably did it. Never been in trouble with the law. Suffered some mammoth hangovers. Taken a while to find the correct road let alone house to go home to. Sounds fun? Hell yes but now is the time to grow the fuck up & take responsibility of what I need to and bid farewell to my old friend. So farewell alcohol. You served me well whilst being irresponsible. Now I must grow up at 38 years of age & deal with shit without your numbing assistance. Onwards & upwards. :)

my spelling in a terrorist

i blame my arthritis. not the fact i type with no due care and attention.

that is all

facebook goes shite

Hello. Me again...

So Facebook is now full of jokes and normal stuff, nothing thats taken my fancy. And yes im guilty of this myself. Nowt to say then its off to sickipedia for some inspiration.

however a quick poll of Wii related injuries made me chuckle:

I got the hump and let go of the nunchuck and it swang back and hit me square on the bollocks

I lost some teeth [that was all that was said]

it slipped out on my hand and whacked me hard on the arm

i've brained my kid a few times

the dog's taken a battering when it's got in the way

somehow i lost control and it slipped out on my hand and hit me square on the head

How long until the first Wii related court case for battery?

Have also discovered the wonders of www.damnyouautocorrect.com and had a few that ive submitted thanks to the wonderous technology that is the iPhone




come on guys!! more humourous realtime status updates needed

This guys washing machine is Al Qaeda

With many thanks to Nickie my long standing internet buddy.

And I thought my washing machine was a terrorist [45 seconds in is the best time to start watching if you get bored]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=364dzVsBs2o&has_verified=1



[hope the embed code works]

Facebook is a terrorist or is it me?

So since my last blog there have been sod all random funnyness worthy a mention from the world of Facebook. But boy I have rants and stuff that have happened in the outside world. So, I assume Facebook friends have decided to hide from me? I know Facebook is a right royal pain in the arse these days...no status updates from people for ages then you see one yet they've been there all along happily updating. Having to 'virtual stalk' friends profiles to see what they've been up to. And no, I haven't been blocked or removed.

And our beloved Facebook keeps sharing our personal information despite their security settings which we all follow. It's running alive with "OMG I can't believe how rank this dirty old happy sock is" type 'click to like and see the picture' type hacks/viruses there are. Facebook, why are you allowing this? from the "OMG Disneys hidden peado message" to the "OMG how rank is this 2 week old Mcdonalds burger".

The phrase OMG should be, and I advise all to do this, IGNORED. you will not see anything because clicking LIKE will not reveal Pinocchio giving Snow White a blowy or a crusty green furry thing passing itself off as a burger. Instead it will eat into your profile and inform everyone that they 'liked it' and then off you go and like it and thus is worms it's way through your friends and their friends.

How do I know? I 'liked' something. forget what it was but fucking pointless despite the well written 'OMG this actually works' tripe on the feed.

So fuck off with OMG.

England team is a terrosist

I could post hundreds of status updates fromn Facebook today but they all state the basic same message that is England are shit.

so have these two photos as a sign of disgust at 11 overpaid twats who played like a bunch of girls and pretty much rolled over and died...

OK scrap that, cant upload images. bastard internet. so picture for yourself a dog mauling an england flag and a pic of my flag in my bin in the kitchen.

i didnt see the match as i was commited to a 'teddy bears picnic' in the park with my kids nursery. neednt have bothered as i didnt know anyone as they were the poshos whos kids obviously dont attend the 2 days mine dont.

attempted to listen to the match on me iphone on an app called 'radiobox' but it kepy cutting off and buffering so i has a 4 min delay.

kind of glad i missed such a poor display if what the commentator and chris waddle in the background souting, ranting and hammering the desk in frustration was anything to go by.

england you have been consistently shit this world cup and deserved to lose. a bunch of overpaid prima-donnas. let a pub side with loads of [assion play, bet they'd do better.

an utter disgrace. and whgere the fuck was crouch given his score record for england? whats the fucking deal with hesky the useless cunt?

so have this as a sign off from this non facebook rant...

BBC News: As part of the new Emergency Budget the Tories have decided to crack down on benefits abusers. The main target will be persons fraudulantly claiming wages, for work they don't do. The England football team have apparently fled the country and were unable to make a comment.